and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i love accidental penises.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
