You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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