he puts the penis in happiness.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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