Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
