i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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