i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
