i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
