I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
