Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Randomize
