...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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