she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
