I wish I could teleport
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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