I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
