I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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