I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
