your thong is hanging out like whoa
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
