This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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