No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
