I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
