how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
