I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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