I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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