Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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