How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
