did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
