I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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