sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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