I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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