New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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