it was like his penis was on wheels.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize