You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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