Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
