That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
