On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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