Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
