i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
