I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
