Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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