I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
