im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
