Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
