those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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