then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
She even gives head with a lisp.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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