Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Do vagina's smell?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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