seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
