i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
