Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize