i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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