If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
