just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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