So drunk, too bad you don't want this
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
