the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
this hospital has no fireball
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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