I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
We need to rekindle our bromance
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Randomize
