Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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