You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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