peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
